Don’t ignore the nasty side of sisterhood
Sun 12 December 2010
, Kelly Valen, guardian.co.uk
When thinking about female friendship, women often tend to bathe the concept in a rosy, idyllic, one-dimensional glow. After all, women can be so incredibly good for one another. Most of us appear to have at least one rewarding girl friendship in life, an intimate we can turn to, confide in, lean on, and wouldn’t want to live without. Good thing too, because compelling research confirms that our positive female connections bestow unique and profound health dividends – benefits that don’t necessarily extend to, say, male-female friendships or the bonds of men. (Sorry, guys.)
Often, though, this sisterly state of bliss is only half the story. For a lot of us, conditions in the garden aren’t so lovely all the time. According to a recent survey I conducted with 3,000 American women, many of us are feeling ambivalent within the gender. (I suspect women in the UK are experiencing much the same.) Some are questioning the intentions and emotional safety of their fellow females thanks to what they call an insidious undercurrent of negativity and competition. Indeed, most respondents told me they’d suffered emotional wounding at the hands of other females at one time or another, most of it from gratuitous, garden-variety nastiness – you know, gossip, judging, one-upping, exclusion, status jockeying, and other manipulations. I’ve now heard far too many tales of unnecessary, hurtful gamesmanship.
Some scoff and say this is all « just part of life », the cost of doing business as a female in this world. Trouble is, it turns out these nudges, slights and overt cruelties aren’t always static events that happen in a vacuum and roll off. The dings and dents can take their toll, dealing deep, enduring hits to a girl’s or woman’s self-esteem, confidence, willingness to take risks, future relationships, and ability to thrive and reach full potential. As a savvy British judge put it during the Keeley Houghton http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/aug/21/facebook-bullying-sentence-teenage-girl" o "Keeley Houghton girl-bullying case, people don’t realise that the « evil, odious effects » of these hurts often stay with us for life. Yet, ironically, few of us wish to acknowledge, much less talk about, it. To many, it’s an ugly reality best swept under the rug.
Print